Out of reach
by Lucyferina
Summary: Trory! Rory and Tristan write each other and discover feelings......Chapter 13 of 13 is up... Read and Review! COMPLETE!!!
1. chapter1

It wasn't the first time that I was thinking about him, every time I dismissed the thought because I didn't want my life to be messed up. I had been with Jess for a while but now this thing is getting out of proportion. I knew when I met Jess that he reminded me of someone else. someone I rather not think about. The bad-boy attitude and his wall against the world. Both he and Jess never felt loved.  
  
I'm lucky, my mother loves me so much and I love her too, we've always been best friends but strange how 'he' never comes out. I didn't tell my mother of my thoughts. I was scared. I knew she would have thought that he belonged to a place where she rather not see her daughter in.  
  
Yes, he is rich and his family is powerful. My grandparents would love to know that I actually fell for someone like them. I know that my mother and my grandma could never understand each other. but now after all this Friday meals I start to feel the attraction to that world, the world that my mother despise, the world where he lives.  
  
I suppose that after all this time it doesn't really matter whether I like him or not. he's gone and as much as I wish he would come back. I know he won't. I already started my final year at Chilton and he wasn't there with his strange bittersweet smile. he wasn't there to call me Mary or to joke about 'bagboy'.  
  
Jess would like him and he would like Jess. they are so alike, I never knew I liked him until I didn't meet Jess. then everything started to be clear in my mind. Why I broke up with Dean, why I went to New York and kissed Jess, why I became Paris' friend.  
  
And you know what? Paris know. How? That I don't know, I just feel that she can read through my 'I don't want to talk about him' and 'I never cared if he felt something for me'. She says I live in denial. well it's true. Though, I don't want to change. I want to live in denial. With time I'll get over him.  
  
Then why is it taking so long? Why he is my first thought in the morning? Why he is my last thought in the night? I know I can't hold it any longer, soon Jess will find it out. He loves me and can read through me. It's just that with time I got so used to hide him inside that nobody could see.  
  
What has changed? Well. he wrote me. I would laugh if it wasn't my life. You get a postcard from a kind of 'friend' and your word, your perfect 'Rory' world just disappear.  
  
He wrote: Dear Rory, Military School is not that bad. They're teaching me to be respected just because I earned it rather than because of my name. Probably, you're wondering why I'm writing this letter. I could give you many answers but none of them will be the truth, then I rather let you figure it out yourself. Yesterday I read a book and you came into my mind (it's not that I've never thought about you before yesterday but what the writer wrote sank into my mind and suddenly I knew I had to do it). Coelho writes that: 'there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for'.  
  
I know what I'm fighting for.  
  
And you?  
  
Tristan 


	2. chapter2

AN: thanks for the reviews, I'll try to do my best to make the story good. Any suggestion is welcomed. Do you think I should add Jess and Tristan POV?  
  
Chapter2  
  
  
  
I'm confused, I don't know what to do. Shall I write him? Shall I pretend to be his friend and forget about 'what he is fighting for'? I know that eventually I'll give in. I cannot stop thinking about him. Jess is looking at me now and I really feel that I love him, but Tristan is another story. It's a story that hadn't been written, we never dated and we never really talked with each other.  
  
Is it just the fact that dreams are better than reality? I feel so frustrated that I cannot appreciate what I have. Jess is right in front of me, he understands me. We can talk about everything, not like with Dean. He loved me in his way but he never tried to enter my world. Do you know how many times I tried to understand Dean? I tried to love him the way he loved me. But the reality is that I wanted to change him.  
  
He was taking me the way I was and I didn't. I suffered so much because of us. He was the first guy who really liked me. But thinking about it, did he really like me? Did he really know me at all?  
  
Dear Tristan, I'm happy to know that you're ok. Life here is good as usual. Chilton is a little bit less hell. Why? Because I got a friend. Well, if you can call Paris a friend.  
  
Bagboy is fine but I'm not with him anymore. I'm with Jess now. You would like him, he likes reading as much as I do.  
  
Uhm, but what I really wanted to tell you is:  
  
'Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.'*  
  
Shall I wait or forget?  
  
Mary  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
AN: *Still a phrase from Coelho  
  
Sorry if it's so short I'll try to write them longer. 


	3. chapter3

AN: Thanks for the reviews, so far just one was really bad, but as I said I want the truth and thanks for telling me that.  
  
RoryPotter: I know it's seems strange that she thinks about him and she thinks to be in love but fiction is all about what you want to happen not what really happen otherwise it would be in the show. I think as well that you can love someone for a long time even though he is not in your life anymore. If you read the chapter you'll find that Rory says she doesn't understand why what hasn't been is better than what you have. Anyway thank you for your review, if you have any suggestion to make it more real please write me again.  
  
  
  
Chapter3  
  
  
  
One week. One whole week and he didn't answer. Did I misunderstand what he said? Did I completely get wrong what he was trying to tell me? Oh, I want to stop thinking about him. I want to go back to my denial phase.  
  
Lane came yesterday and she wanted to know what my problem was. I told her I didn't have any problem. I was just tired, at Chilton I was feeling under pressure and I have always so many homework.  
  
She didn't believe me. We grew up together and she knows me far too well. I couldn't keep this secret any longer and I showed her his postcard. She looked at it and then at me.  
  
Lane has never been a happy child. Mrs Kim thought that the whole idea of happiness was just absurd. Praying, eating healthy food and marrying a Korean doctor was her idea of happiness. Lane then stopped to show her feeling to the world but she always confided with me.  
  
She can't understand my 'obsession' for Tristan. She has never been really in love. Dave is the first guy that she has dated and she has not grabbed yet the whole idea of love and sharing your heart with someone. But she is sure that what I feel for Jess is real and what I feel for Tristan isn't.  
  
I know that my mother, Lane and all Stars Hollow don't like the idea of me and Jess together. But they love me and they accept it. What would they think about Tristan and me?  
  
Tonight Jess kissed me with all his heart and I kissed him back with all of mine. Why when I'm with him the world seems so perfect again? Why the moment I leave him the whole 'Tristan' idea comes back stronger than ever?  
  
  
  
Dear Mary,  
  
It's not up to me to tell you to wait or to forget. I know (or at least I hope) that in the deepest of your heart you've already answered that question. I've no idea when I'll be back if ever. but I offer you a deal. I write you and if you feel you want you can write me back. No commitment, just two people who want to know more about each other.  
  
We Are Many  
  
Of the many men who I am, who we are, I can't find a single one; they disappear among my clothes, they've left for another city. When everything seems to be set to show me off as intelligent, the fool I always keep hidden takes over all that I say.  
  
At other times, I'm asleep among distinguished people, and when I look for my brave self, a coward unknown to me rushes to cover my skeleton with a thousand fine excuses.  
  
All the books I read are full of dazzling heroes, always sure of themselves. I die with envy of them; and in films full of wind and bullets, I goggle at the cowboys, I even admire the horses. But when I call for a hero, out comes my lazy old self; so I never know who I am, nor how many I am or will be.  
  
While I am writing, I'm far away; and when I come back, I've gone. I would like to know if others go through the same things that I do, have as many selves as I have, and see themselves similarly; and when I've exhausted this problem, I'm going to study so hard that when I explain myself, I'll be talking geography.*  
  
3 Tristan  
  
  
  
AN: * this is a piece of Pablo Neruda poem. 


	4. chapter4

AN: to Ameriah, it's not a stupid question. Sorry if I didn't write anything else. Paulo Coelho is a Brazilian writer. He wrote many books but the most famous is the Alchemist. Thanks for your review.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter4  
  
I'm speechless. The poem he wrote me was absolutely surprising. I knew that behind the façade he was hiding an amazing personality but I never fully understood until today.  
  
I knew I shouldn't have opened the 'Pandora vase' but I'm a really instinctive person. My mother is absolutely the same. She feels and she acts consequently. That's why at the end of her relationship she is always left heartbroken. She gives 'him' everything of herself and when she discovers that it's not enough she leaves. Max did really get closed to marry her. But sincerely I know that she still deeply love my father.  
  
Luke is another story. My mother sees him for what he really is. He is her rock, her everything. He is safe because even though he loves her, he keeps it inside. My mother is not blind and is not in denial about her feeling for Luke. She knows that what she feels is special and that a very tiny line separates friendship and love.  
  
Luke is like a father to me but we never really talk about things. We don't need to talk they are all there in our eyes and the same is regarding he and my mother. Why do we have to say we love someone when we show him everyday what we feel?  
  
Jess today was not in a good mood. He was sitting on our bridge but he was not reading. Usually that's not a good sign. I sat near him and asked what was wrong. He looked at me, he tried to read into my eyes what I was hiding. But he found nothing wrong. He relaxed, smiled and kissed me. It was a sweet kiss, full of Jess.  
  
  
  
Dear Tristan,  
  
Paris is making me mad. She passes from cold to friendly and back in a second. I never understand when the storm is coming and I don't really know what I did to cause it either.  
  
I guess it would be easy to write each other email rather than wait for the postal service to deliver our letters. But I've never been like the other people. Like you wrote, there are many of me and I don't really know who I am. I've always felt different from everybody else. I'm not happy with the simple life of study-get a job- have a family concept. I'm looking, I need something more, something different.  
  
What You Are To Me  
  
Have you ever felt like you knew someone a long, long time ago?  
  
Another place, another time, a friendship of the souls?  
  
Two people who share a bond for reasons neither know,  
  
A feeling that they were friends, a long, long time ago?  
  
Did they stumble onto each other by pure circumstance,  
  
Or was it fate and destiny that played a certain hand?  
  
Two souls intertwined, they are worlds apart,  
  
But the soul, it knows no difference, in matters of the heart.  
  
Somehow they are drawn together, fate has brought them back,  
  
Each living worlds apart, they journey separate paths.  
  
When this life is over, and a new life begins,  
  
Their souls will find each other.*  
  
Mary  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
AN: *this is a part of a poem written by Lia Fail, I don't really know who she is but I thought that the poem fitted well what Rory was feeling. 


	5. chapter5

AN: In this chapter Tristan talks with his father Janlen (J) and his mother Helen (H) is also present. Hope you like it.  
  
  
  
Chapter5: Tristan POV  
  
  
  
This is the second letter from Rory. When I first met her I thought she was pretty. Then when I had a chance to know her a little bit better it just striked me how beautiful she was. Not her fantastic blue eyes or her brown long hairs but her personality. She even managed to get friend with Paris.  
  
Paris and me know each other from a long, long time. We grew up together and I know that she has always been under pressure both to be an outstanding student and a good socialite. She never succeeded to be popular or at least to be popular in the right way. She scares people but I know that in the deep of her heart she is just longing to be loved and understood.  
  
Rory. What can I say about her? As she wrote she is 'different', she doesn't care what other people think about her, she just follows her heart. She is the most sweet and understanding girl I ever met. And when I think about her I know that I'm lost in what is the amazing Rory 'Mary' Gilmore.  
  
We never dated each other. Why would she go out with a guy like me? Or at least with a guy who behaved like me. Money, power and popularity are unimportant to my Mary.  
  
My. I wish one day I'll say my Mary and she will be really mine. Her letters make me think that she feels something for me. But why did she write about Jess? Definitely, this guy is important to her. I don't know why she broke up with bagboy and how she got together with him. I never talk about Rory during my phone calls with Paris.  
  
Mary's letters make me want to go back to hell. For me hell is not Chilton though. It's my house, my family, and my 'position in society'. I never felt loved and I never really needed to feel loved until Rory showed up in my life.  
  
That's why I'm going to call the person I despise the most but the only one who can take me back to Hartford.  
  
  
  
DuGrey mansion  
  
The echo of the phone in the big mansion made Helen jumping in her chair. She was in the library reading a book and her husband was right in front of her with a business magazine in his hand.  
  
J: DuGrey mansion T:Father J:Son, to what do I own the honour of this call? T: I just wanted to tell you something... J:Then, tell me T:I know I dishonoured the DuGrey name and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I definitely made a lot of mistakes. Now I finally understand what is required from me. I'm ready to take my place in society. I want you and mother to be 'proud' of me. I'm really sorry father. Can I come back?  
  
I have really said that to him. I can't believe that all these lies came out so easily. I just sold my soul to the devil and if he accepts my apology I'll be back to Hartford and in Rory's life. She is worth of the sacrifice.  
  
J:Tristan, you surprised me. I'll have to think about what you said. You have to give me some time. In the meanwhile just keep up the good grades. I'll call you soon. Bye  
  
Then, I guess I'll have to wait. He wanted to humiliate me even more. He got my complete surrender but it's not enough I'll have to go on begging until Christmas!  
  
  
  
Dear Mary, Have you ever wondered why everybody wants you to be what it suits them but nobody really stop thinking about who you really are? Today I'm a bit sad and I feel like there's no hope for me to be different from the cold and heartless society of Hartford.  
  
Tell me about Jess.  
  
Tristan  
  
P.S.:  
  
My River  
  
My river runs to thee. Blue sea, wilt thou welcome me? My river awaits reply. Oh! Sea, look graciously.  
  
I'll fetch thee brooks from spotted nooks. Say, sea, Take me!*  
  
  
  
AN:* poem by Emily Dickinson 


	6. chapter6

Chapter6  
  
  
  
The day the package arrived I was studying in my room. I was trying to understand Hegel and his Philosophy of right with no success. Why these famous authors write in a way that student cannot understand?  
  
L: Rooooooory  
  
R: I'm in my room  
  
L: A package for you from . uhm let me see . from North Carolina! Do you know anyone there?  
  
R: ..it's a long story...  
  
L: well today is Saturday, so no work. tell me  
  
R: I'm not sure I want to talk about it. yet  
  
L: Yet? Rory, you've never hidden anything from me. at least until now. I'm hurt. do you think I wouldn't understand? You know you can tell me everything  
  
R: I guess it's time to take out the skeleton from my closet. It all started 3 weeks ago ..  
  
After I told my mother the story of the postcard, my reply and the feelings for Tristan, I saw my mother's face turning from curious to serious and finally to unhappy. I know she was thinking about my dad and she wasn't happy to see me involved with a DuGrey.  
  
L: what about Jess? I thought you loved him  
  
R: I do   
  
L: you cannot love two people simultaneously  
  
R: well I don't know what I feel for Tristan, I know that I think about him and I like the way he is, at least the way he is when he writes me. He has changed mom. He's asking for a chance to be a better person  
  
L: not with my daughter  
  
R: mom . this is not up to you. I have to decide what to do  
  
L: Rory, you know I don't really like Jess, but since you're with him, you seem so happy and so relaxed. I hate to admit it but he's making you more a teenager. You're always so wrapped up with your study, and I don't say it's a bad thing. but we have just one life and he's teaching you to find a middle way between being just a good student and being a student with a life  
  
R: I know mom. I love him so much and he makes me happy. But I don't know, maybe it's just that I don't feel like he is completely right. I'm not sure he's THE ONE.  
  
L: and Tristan is?  
  
R: well, I don't know. I feel we have a connection that is not just mental. Maybe you'll think is stupid. but it's about the soul.  
  
L: Rory. are you serious?  
  
R: I can understand if you think I'm saying stupid things. but that's what I feel and I need to know if I am in love with the IDEA of Tristan or the real him. And that I can do just keeping in touch with him  
  
L: did you tell Jess about him?  
  
R: No. I'm planning to say something about Tristan but I just didn't find the right moment  
  
L: well, find it soon because you cannot keep this thing up for much longer. And Jess will soon see that there's something wrong  
  
R: ok I'll do it soon.. mom?  
  
L: hmmm  
  
R: thanks. for listening. and sorry for not telling you. I feel much better now  
  
  
  
She smiled at me and she let me alone with my thoughts and my package. When I opened it, I found his letter and a book. I was surprised that he sent me a present but I knew that he wanted to tell me something through the book then I guess I'll have to read it.  
  
  
  
Dear Tristan,  
  
Thanks for the book. It was very beautiful, I like the idea of this shepherd who had to travel so far just to understand that what he was looking for was just in the place from where he started. All this idea that sometime we look for things in the wrong place but life at the end will lead us in the right place. It's through mistakes and experience that we grow and we learn to leave.  
  
I can assure you that you'll never be like the people in Hartford's society. I know you're different. For instance, you care for me. You keep in touch with Paris (yes she told me about your phone calls) I mean you know the importance of real friendship.  
  
I guess you want to know how comes that I'm not with Dean anymore. well I just discovered that I didn't really love him. Jess arrived in a time of crisis between Dean and me. He was nice (just with me, he is the town bad- boy) somehow I discovered that behind his façade he was a good person, he reads a lot and therefore, we can talk about everything for hours. He's handsome in his own way. Well he's my best friend that's the most important thing.  
  
  
  
  
  
Maybe  
  
Maybe he believes me, maybe not.  
  
Maybe the wind on the prairie,  
  
The wind on the sea, maybe,  
  
Somebody, somewhere, maybe can tell.  
  
I will lay my head on his shoulder  
  
And when he asks me I will say yes,  
  
  
  
Maybe.*  
  
  
  
3 Mary  
  
  
  
  
  
AN:* part of a poem by Carl Sandburg. 


	7. chapter7

AN: M is Mark his roommate and P is Paris.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter7  
  
  
  
Military School.  
  
As usual I'm here in my room thinking about her. The letter was nice but when she wrote about Jess I was upset. I know I asked her but somehow I thought she wouldn't reply.  
  
  
  
M: Tristan!  
  
T: Sorry Mark, are you talking with me?  
  
M: yeah, phone ... is a girl...  
  
T: Paris! Hello!  
  
P: How did you know?  
  
T: No other girl in my life Gellar, don't you feel special?  
  
P: Uhm, Tristan you're such a liar! What about Rory?  
  
T: What about her?  
  
P: So you tell me you haven't got anything to do with her strange behaviour  
  
T: Strange behaviour? What's going on?  
  
P: Ah ah, I knew I just have to mention her to get all your attention  
  
T: Paris, please, which strange behaviour?  
  
P: Well, I noticed that it's a month that she has been kind of distant, sometimes during class I look at her and I see she's watching out of the window. When we talk she says she's ok, but I'm sure something is troubling her. Maybe it's about Jess.  
  
T: I don't know. Paris, I .. I .. I've started writing to her. And she is replying to my letters. Paris? Still there?  
  
P: Yes. That comes out as a surprise to me. She's still not mentioning you, she doesn't want to hear anything about you. And you're saying that she writes you?  
  
T: Don't tell her that I told you. I don't want to ruin our friendship..  
  
P: Friendship, uhm, now that I know what's the matter I will take her feelings for you out. You know about Jess then  
  
T: Yes. How serious is it? Do you think she loves him?  
  
P: Well Tristan, I think she is very fond of him. He's not a very talkative person but when they are together you can feel energy passing between them. I think he's much better than Dean. He gives her space and he trusts her.  
  
T: Ok Paris thanks for the information now I really have to go, I'll call you tomorrow and then we'll talk about you and a certain guy  
  
P: Jamie and I are fine Tristan but I'll be very happy to talk to you tomorrow. Bye  
  
I knew she was smiling when I said his name. I can't believe that she's really over me but I'm so happy that we're friends now. She also gave me something of Rory to think about.  
  
  
  
Dear Mary,  
  
Thanks for your words. It really means a lot that you don't think I'm like them. I talked with my family and they're thinking about my future. Do you think you could stand me at Chilton?  
  
Well nothing really has been decided but hope never dies.  
  
Mary, I'm happy to hear you've found a 'bad' guy for you, somehow I think I influenced your choice. I knew you wanted me. Ok I'll check my ego now. Isn't it strange that I know how you would answer?  
  
  
  
SADDEST POEM  
  
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.  
  
Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,  
  
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."  
  
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.  
  
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.  
  
On nights like this, I held her in my arms.  
  
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.  
  
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.  
  
To think I don't have her.  
  
To feel that I've lost her.  
  
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.  
  
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.  
  
That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.  
  
My soul is lost without her.  
  
Love is so short and oblivion so long.  
  
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,  
  
my soul is lost without her.*  
  
  
  
Tristan  
  
  
  
  
  
AN: * part of a poem of Pablo Neruda. Here Tristan is thinking about whether the fact that Rory is with Jess will affect the chances to be more than friend with her.  
  
AN2: Thanks to everybody who reviewed and gave me suggestion for my fiction :) 


	8. chapter8

Chapter8  
  
  
  
Sadness. Deep sadness. The poem he wrote upset me. I mean why did he write that poem? Why does he feel like he hasn't me. Well, actually that's true. I wrote him about Jess and now he knows that I love Jess but he should know as well that I care for him. What if it's not enough for him? Can I give him more than that?  
  
R: Hi can I speak with Tristan DuGrey please?  
  
M: Sure, hold on  
  
T: Paris we talked yesterday already missing me?  
  
R: I don't know about Paris but I miss you  
  
T: Mary? Hem Rory?  
  
R: Hi Tristan  
  
T: Hi  
  
Silence. None of us knew what to say. I called him of course I should say something but my mind went blank.  
  
R: So .... How are you?  
  
Clever, really clever question Rory!!!  
  
T: I'm fine thanks and you?  
  
R: Fine, listen Tristan I called to talk about your last letter  
  
T: About the poem?  
  
R: Yes.  
  
T: Well it's just a poem. I liked it and I wrote to you. Don't read anything in it Mary  
  
R: You know what? I guess I shouldn't have called you. I thought you changed and that we could be friends, but I guess I was wrong  
  
I can't believe I put down the phone on him! I got so angry! It looked like he didn't really care about me. Maybe he was just playing with me. Maybe now he's laughing with his friend that I actually called him! I was so stupid! I'll never ever think about him anymore! That's it, I got Jess and he is really good, he's the right choice.  
  
Then ... Why I feel so bad? So lonely? Maybe he had some reason to act like this. Maybe he was surprised and didn't know how to handle the situation. Back in time I told him that I hated him, maybe he's confused.  
  
No. No. No. I'll stop thinking about him and now I go out with Jess and I forget about him.  
  
R: Hey  
  
J: Hey you  
  
R: Don't I get a kiss from my boyfriend?  
  
J: Well, Rory everyone is watching us, I thought you didn't like public display  
  
R: I changed my mind  
  
So he kissed me and it felt so good. But I knew in the deepest of my heart that it wasn't fair. That I was being a coward. How could I say that I love him when I'm being so selfish and keep him from finding someone who could really love him the way he deserve?  
  
But I'm so scared to loose him. I know I've Lane and with Paris things are better, but still Jess knows me in a way that nobody does. I feel like I'll loose my rock. My everything. Why he is not enough for me? Why can't I be happy with him?  
  
R: Jess, I think we need to talk  
  
J: Sure, tell me  
  
R Let's go to the bridge, ok?  
  
J: Ok  
  
So I told him the entire story, from the postcard to the phone call. Of course I omitted some parts, I mean I didn't want to hurt him more than I already did.  
  
J: So, where does this leave us?  
  
R: I don't know. Can we be friends Jess? I know I'm asking a lot from you. I just think I need time to get over Tristan. I cannot tell you that I will be back with you but I want you in my life.  
  
J: I need time, I need to think about all the thing you said  
  
R: I'm so sorry Jess. I just thought that I respect you too much to go on like this  
  
J: I understand Rory but that doesn't mean that I can forgive you for now. I'll take my time and then we'll talk again  
  
R: Jess... I love you really!  
  
But he stood up and left. He didn't turn back and maybe it was better. I cried so much on that little bridge. I cried for Jess, for Tristan but mostly for me. Why can't I have a normal relationship? Why do I always mess up things?  
  
First thing I'll work on getting over Tristan and then I'll try everything possible to have Jess back in my life.  
  
When I finally arrived home, my mother asked me what's happened and I told her the whole story. She was sad, she didn't like to see me so unhappy. She then went to her room and came back with a little book of poems that Max had given her. We sat on the couch and she read aloud some of them. But one of them struck me  
  
  
  
Mirage  
  
| | |The hope I dreamed of was a dream, | |Was but a dream; and now I wake, | |Exceeding comfortless, and worn, and old, | |For a dream's sake. | |I hang my harp upon a tree, | |A weeping willow in a lake; | |I hang my silent harp there, wrung and snapped | |For a dream's sake. | |Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart; | |My silent heart, lie still and break: | |Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed | |For a dream's sake. * |  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
AN: * written by: Christina Georgina Rossetti 


	9. chapter9

Chapter9  
  
She hung up the phone. I can't believe I was so stupid! I was so surprised to hear her voice that I actually lost control. I can't believe I made her so angry. She was worried about me and I practically told her that she wasn't important.  
  
Why do I always get lost around her? She gave me another chance and I ruined it all. She will never want to talk to me again. Why didn't I tell her that I was happy to hear her voice? Why didn't I tell her that I was sad that she was with Jess?  
  
Now, what should I do?  
  
T: Hi Paris  
  
P: Hello Tristan. What's wrong?  
  
T: Oh Paris I made a mistake and I don't know how to put things right!  
  
P: Rory?  
  
T: Yes. She phoned me and I treated her like I didn't care. Like she was a nuisance. But the truth was that I was speechless. I didn't trust myself to say anything. I feel so stupid  
  
P: Tristan, can you imagine how much it cost to Rory to pick up a phone and call you?  
  
T: Don't make me feel worst than I already feel  
  
P: Well Tristan, you're pretty good to mess up things with her  
  
T: What can I do? Shall I write her a letter?  
  
P: I don't think that would be enough. But you can write the letter and I can talk to her. I guess between the two of us we should sort things out.  
  
T: Thank you Paris. Thank you so much.  
  
P: It's ok. What are friends for?  
  
T: You are a good friend Paris. I'll remember this. I'll talk to you soon  
  
I hope that Paris will succeed. I'm so scared that she'll never forgive me. What will I do? I need to come back! Why does my father have to wait so much before telling me to come back? What if I come back and Rory will not want me?  
  
I cannot live that life without her.  
  
No. I'll not think about that. She will forgive me.  
  
Dear Rory,  
  
I'm so so so sorry about the phone call. I was surprised that you called me and I couldn't think about anything funny or clever to say. You mean so much to me that I don't know how to express myself. I'm sure you know that I care about you. That you're important to me.  
  
Rory I'm asking for another chance. I know you've already given one and I ruined all. But please understand me. It was a long time since I've heard your voice and by letter it seems all so easy. We don't look at each other and I thought it was a good start. No innuendo, no smirks, no arguments. I just wanted to take it easy to make us at easy with each other.  
  
I'm so sorry if you thought that you're not important. The poem I wrote in the letter it meant a lot to me. I wanted to tell you that I was sad because you weren't with me. Because I needed you but you belonged to someone else. I know that you care for Jess but I hope you care for me too.  
  
Please, all I ask is another chance.  
  
To Mary  
  
I sleep with thee, and wake with thee,  
  
And yet thou art not there;  
  
I fill my arms with thoughts of thee,  
  
And press the common air.  
  
Thy eyes are gazing upon mine  
  
When thou art out of sight;  
  
My lips are always touching thine  
  
At morning, noon, and night.  
  
I think and speak of other things  
  
To keep my mind at rest,  
  
But still to thee my memory clings  
  
Like love in woman's breast.  
  
I hide it from the world's wide eye  
  
And think and speak contrary,  
  
But soft the wind comes from the sky  
  
And whispers tales of Mary.  
  
The night-wind whispers in my ear,  
  
The moon shines on my face;  
  
The burden still of chilling fear  
  
I find in every place.  
  
The breeze is whispering in the bush,  
  
And the leaves fall from the tree,  
  
All sighing on, and will not hush,  
  
Some pleasant tales of thee.*  
  
Please forgive me.  
  
Love, Tristan  
  
AN: * written by John Clare.  
  
I just wanted to say that I know there are tons of trory stories and that there are people who think that Rory never liked Tristan and he is not important. But still if there are so many of us who think that he is important that must mean something. I will always be a Trory fan and I'll never give up the hope that he'll be back. 


	10. chapter10

Chapter10  
He sent me another letter, and if I didn't talk to him on the phone I would have believed that he was sincere. But this time I'm not going to forgive him. Tristan and I are history! I hate him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~ DEAN: That had nothing to do with me? Well I must have imagined it all then. Your boyfriend's waiting.  
  
R: He's not my boyfriend. I hate him.  
  
DEAN: Whatever.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
No, I don't hate him. I didn't hate him then and I don't hate him now. But I can't forgive him. Why? Because.  
  
P: Rory  
  
Fantastic, all I needed was Paris wanting to talk to me while I'm so upset over Tristan.  
  
R:Paris, this is not a good moment. Can we talk another time?  
  
P: It won't take long. It's about Tristan  
  
R:I haven't got anything to say on this topic  
  
P:Rory, now you shut up and listen what I want to say and after you can leave and forget about it  
  
R:Ok, I'm here listening  
  
P:Well, I talked with Tristan yesterday and he was upset. Usually I wouldn't be worried about him but when it is about you.... Rory he is really sorry and if I didn't believe that he is sorry I would not come and ask you to forgive him. He had a though life. Now in military school the only thing which keeps him sane is the thought of you. I know he told you that he likes there. And I guess it's much better than his home but still.. Rory all I ask is that you think about giving him another chance. I guess you made mistakes with him as well. But he always came back to you.  
  
R:Do you have anything else to say?  
  
P:No  
  
R:Ok. Thank you Paris for your talk, I'll think about it. I don't promise anything but I see your point. And if you came to me and defended him that means something  
~~~~  
  
TRISTAN: I gotta go. So, I might kiss you goodbye but, uh, your boyfriend's watching. Take care of yourself, Mary.  
  
~~~~  
  
I can't believe that Tristan was so desperate to ask Paris to intercede for him. And she is right. When I told him that I hated him I must have hurt him a lot. But he still came to Chilton to say goodbye.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
TRISTAN: Well, come on, you know that when we kiss on stage, it's gonna be pretty obvious that it's not the first time. I'm a good actor, but I can't hide that kind of passion.  
  
RORY: Look, things are really good for me and Dean right now, and I don't want anything to mess that up. Especially not something that meant nothing at all to me and I wished had never happened in the first place.  
  
TRISTAN: So things are going good for you too, huh?  
  
RORY: Yeah, they are.  
  
TRISTAN: Good, that's good.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
If he liked me so much it must have been so bad to hear that the kiss meant nothing to me. I was so bad, so wrapped up in the dream of me and Dean that I didn't notice I could have hurt him. I made a mistake back then.  
  
Well, the truth is that I'm scared of my feelings for him. If I can get upset over a phone call how am I going to manage with more serious things? And I don't even know if I'll ever see him again. What if everything I feel for him is not real? What if I see him and I don't feel anything?  
  
What can I do? I'll have to think a bit more about it. And I know that there is just a person who can give me the answer I need.  
  
R: Hi Jess, can I please talk to you for a minute?  
  
He doesn't look happy to see me. I feel so sorry. Things between us are starting really to be strange. I used to feel at easy with him. Now I can't almost stay in the same room with him.  
  
J:Ok  
  
R:How are you?  
  
J:You didn't just come here to ask me that, right?  
  
R: No  
  
J: Good, then tell me what's the matter  
  
R:Maybe this wasn't a good idea, sorry Jess I'm going  
  
J: Wait Rory! Tell me what you want. I don't promise you I can be your friend but I'm trying my best  
  
R: I know.. Thanks Jess. I just came to ask you ..  
  
J: What?  
  
R:Do you think you could love a person that you hardly know? I mean what if you had talked very little with this person and you didn't really get on well. But still you felt something magic, sparkle when you were around this person  
  
J: Are you talking about Tristan?  
  
R:Yes. I'm confused. Something happened and now I'm wondering about my feelings. Maybe I was wrong and I don't feel anything for him  
  
J:Rory. I think that you feel something for the guy. I cannot tell you if it's love or not but it's so strong that made you break up with me. It's so strong that you broke up with him and got together with me because I reminded you of him  
  
R:Uhm.. I think I have to go. Sorry Jess I didn't want to bother you. Take your time for the 'friendship thing'. I .. I .... I'll see you soon  
  
After Jess's speech I knew what I had to do.  
Dear Tristan,  
  
I got your letter and I talked to Paris. I think that we both made mistakes in our 'relationship'. Sometimes I said things that may have hurt you and sometimes you did. You were right about the 'taking it easy' situation. I guess I was confused and I didn't know what to say as well.  
  
We don't know each other well, we've been friends for a very brief time. I know that I like you but I still have to figure out if the feeling is real and if it'll last.  
  
The only thing I can say is YES I give you another chance and I'll ask you to remember when I'll be the one who will mess things up.  
  
When it's about us is always so complicated.  
  
I will not say or imply anymore that I like you or that I feel any other feeling for you until I won't see you. I want to look in your eyes and I want you to look in mine.  
  
Then I will know.  
  
So my dear friend I hope you write me soon.  
  
Love, Mary 


	11. chapter11

AN: Thanks for the review! I really appreciate them. Sorry if I didn't update for a while, sometimes the story needs time to come out the way I want. Js is Janlen senior that is Tristan's granddad.  
  
Chapter11:  
  
She forgave me! I'm so relieved! I couldn't think of my life without her. Now I just have to go home for now I'm happy with the friendship but I want more, much more. I want her to be mine. Forever.  
  
M: Tristan, your father at the phone  
  
T: Hello father  
  
J: Hello Tristan. I've decided that you can come home. I've arranged a car to pick you up Saturday. You're re-enrolled at Chilton. Sunday you'll attend to a party with us at the Country Club and will make -how did you say last time?- me and your mother 'proud' of you  
  
T: Thank you father. You won't regret it  
  
J: You're better saying the truth, another mistake and you'll be disowned. Did I make myself clear?  
  
T: Yes father. See you Saturday  
  
Rory! I'll be back soon! I wonder how you'll react. But my problem now is can I really go back to the Hartford society and put up a mask over my feelings and my thoughts?  
  
She changed me too much. She will not understand how we have to 'act'. She will not forgive me if she sees me messing around. But my father will definitely not approve of her.  
  
What can I do? I want her but the only way I can have her is not having her. If I don't act my father will disown me and if I act she will never want me. Will she understand if I try to explain this? Will she want to be with me? I'm so scared.  
  
Rory.  
  
My priority is Rory. Anything else will come after her. After all she is a Gilmore and they are a good family. Maybe my father will approve.  
  
Granddad! He will definitely stand by me!  
  
Js: DuGrey speaking  
  
T: Granddad, hi Js: Hello Tristan. How are you?  
  
T: I'm fine thanks. Did father inform you that I'm coming back?  
  
Js: Yes. This time you cannot make any mistake.  
  
T: I promise you I won't. Beside I've changed  
  
Js: Really? What happened?  
  
T:You should ask Who happened  
  
Js: A girl. My grandson finally met a girl worth changing his player attitude. Who is she?  
  
T:Her name is Rory Gilmore  
  
Js:Gilmore. Is she the granddaughter of Richard and Emily?  
  
T:Yes. There is just a problem. I'm not sure father would approve  
  
Js:Tristan. I think you're right. I'll have to talk with Janlen. Are you serious about this girl?  
  
T:I am. She is the one I want to be forever. I'll do anything to be with her.  
  
Js: Fine. I'll help you but on one condition  
  
T:What?  
  
Js: I want to meet her.  
  
T:Ok. But you'll have to wait. Well, things right now are a bit complicated  
  
Js: What do you mean?  
  
And I told him all about our story until the letters and the phone call. Granddad was very amused by the story and he agreed to wait to meet her.  
Dear Mary,  
  
Thanks for your understanding. Thanks for giving me another chance. I won't mess up and I'll definitely remember when or if you will mess up.  
  
Just one thing. Don't write me for 2 weeks. I've been punished for some little troubles my roommate did and I cannot receive letters. I'll write you again when the punishment is over.  
  
Thinking about you, Always yours, Tristan  
Rory. I want to surprise you. I don't want you to know I'm back. You'll find me in front of your door Sunday night. I cannot wait to see you.  
AN: How Rory will react? Other problems are starting to rise. How will Lorelai handle the idea of Rory entering the Hartford elite?  
  
Read and Review! 


	12. chapter12

Chapter12:  
  
I'm not in the best mood. I can't believe Tristan got himself into trouble at Military School. He said he has changed but now I've got some doubt. I'm really confused. I don't know if I can trust him. I guess only time will tell. I agreed to give him another chance and I won't draw back.  
  
And now I've to go with grandma and grandpa to this party at the country club. I can't stand to be with the Hartford elite. It's just too much.  
  
But if I ever will be with Tristan it will become my world too. Do I really want? Can I really accept this side of Tristan's life?  
  
R:Mom, hurry up!  
  
L:Do we really have to go?  
  
R:Yes mom. We agreed that if they gave us the Friday night free we would go with them  
  
L:But Rory, it's boring  
  
R:Come on mom. I'm sure they have lot of coffee there  
  
L:Rory! You think we can drink coffee as much as we want?  
  
R:Sure! We just have to avoid to be seen by grandma  
  
+++Country Club one hour later +++  
  
L:Rory the gossip mill is in motion, have you heard?  
  
R:No what?  
  
L:It's seem that Evil One aka Military Boy is back and he's here!  
  
R:What Tristan is here?  
  
L:Didn't you know?  
  
R:No  
  
L:Maybe he wanted to surprise you  
  
R:Well, he succeed. Sorry mom I'll take a walk. I need fresh air  
  
I'm not ready! I don't want to see him now! I want to see him now! No I don't! I do! Well fresh air will help to decide.  
  
T:Hello Mary, thinking about me? ~ she is so beautiful ~  
  
R:Tristan, hi ~OMG! He is so hot! I can't believe he's here!~  
  
T:So don't I get a hug, a kiss, a welcome back?  
  
R:I .. I .. Welcome back! Sorry I have to go  
  
T:Rory wait! What's wrong? I thought .. I thought you would be happy to see me  
  
R:I am! But you lied to me! You said you were in detention! You didn't say you were coming. And if I didn't come here when would have I know?  
  
T:Sorry Rory, I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to see your expression when you saw me  
  
L:Hello! You must be Tristan. I'm Lorelai, Rory's mother  
  
T:Hello Lorelai it's a pleasure to meet you  
  
L:I just came to tell Rory that it's time to go. We have to go somewhere else, hum, a previous engagement  
  
R:I'm coming. Bye Tristan  
  
T:Bye Rory. See you tomorrow at school  
  
R:So you're back to stay  
  
T:Yes~ And I'm back to have you, and I won't give up so easily. Now your mother rescue you but tomorrow at Chilton it's gonna be just me and you ~  
  
+++Gilmore House +++  
  
R:Thank you mom, but how did you know .  
  
L:Well I saw him following you and how upset you were I thought I could come and help you. What's wrong mini-me? You said you liked him. You broke up with Jess for him!   
  
R:I don't know! When I saw him I felt my heart skip a bit and all I wanted was kissing him but  
  
L:But?  
  
R: I freaked out. You know Gilmore in a relationship doesn't really work  
  
L:I guess you're right. What are you going to do tomorrow?  
  
R:Avoid him  
  
L:Rory!  
  
R:Well I need time I thought he wasn't coming back so early I thought we could be friend for a while  
  
L:Rory, life never comes out as we plan it. And that's the fun in it!  
  
R:I hate when something doesn't go the way I want!  
  
Now, what can I do? Wait! He doesn't know I broke up with Jess. That's a good thing. I'll use this excuse to take time and think. I didn't tell Paris either. Perfect I'll avoid him and if he asks me I'll tell him I'm still with Jess.  
  
Wait! Why am I behaving so badly with him? I will loose him if I'm not sincere with him. He cannot wait forever. But I'm so scared. But I like him and I want him in my life.  
  
Now I know what I have to do tomorrow.  
  
AN: what is Rory going to do? Will she face her fear and give him a chance?  
  
Review please! 


	13. chapter13: HAPPY ENDING

Chapter13:  
  
I don't understand why she behaved like that yesterday. Maybe she was just joking about liking me. Or maybe she was just scared. I was scared too. I felt like it was the first girl I was talking to.  
  
I came back to be with her. If I cannot have her and stay in the Hartford elite I'm going to become like my father. I hate him and I hate what I may become without Rory.  
  
She is coming toward me. Shall I wait for her to say something? Shall I talk first? Why am I so nervous?  
  
R:Hello Tristan  
  
She is smiling, wait, what is she doing? OMG! She is kissing me! I can't believe it! She tastes of coffee.  
  
I think I really really really love her.  
  
R:Welcome back! Sorry for yesterday. I hope this kiss make it up for it  
  
T:If I get a kiss every time you think you did something wrong I hope you do something bad soon, so you can make up for it  
  
R:Hey Military Boy stop smirking and take me out for coffee  
  
T:But Rory we have to go to class  
  
R:I never knew you wouldn't skip a class for some fun time with a pretty girl, maybe now I have to call you Angel Boy or maybe Joseph!  
  
T:Hum Mary I can't skip the first day. My father will send me back to Military School. And I'm here to stay. I'm here for you. So we just have to wait until school end and I'll take you anywhere  
  
R:Ok Joseph, anyway I was just joking, you know I wouldn't loose a day of school, after all I'm a Mary  
  
T:You're not just a pretty Mary, you're a beautiful Mary and I hope my Mary  
  
R:Tris, I want to be your Mary but you'll have to be patient with me because I'm very bad in relationships  
  
T:Mary you'll have to be patient too. I've never had a real relationship so we'll try to work it out together. But what about Jess?  
  
R:I broke up with him. When I discover that I liked you I couldn't lie to him or to myself  
  
T:Oh Rory! I'm so happy! Tell me this is not a dream. Tell me that you really want to be my girlfriend  
  
R:No it's not a dream and Yes I want to be your girlfriend  
  
+++After school +++  
  
T:So Mary where do you want to go?  
  
R:First coffee and then I want you to see my mom and get to know her  
  
T:Shall we go in Star Hollow to get the coffee?  
  
R:I would like to go to Luke but not with you  
  
T:Why don't you want people seeing us together?  
  
R:No silly! Luke is Jess's uncle and he works there. I don't want to hurt him more. I just want to let him time  
  
T:I understand. It must be so hard. I cannot think about loosing you.  
  
R:If you behave well you won't  
  
+++ Gilmore House +++  
  
R:Mom! I'm home and a brought a hot guy with me!  
  
T:Hot?  
  
R:Shut up Joseph  
  
L:A hot guy? Where is he? I just see Military Boy  
  
R:Mom  
  
L:Ah! You think that Tristan is hot! Well I can say that he is pretty. Anyway he's too young for me  
  
R:Tris, I'm going to change. Mom keep him company  
  
L:Ok Tristan. I want to tell you just few things and make sure you understand. First, you hurt Rory and you're dead. Second, you try to change her into some elite girl and you're dead. Final point if ever you consider to sleep with her just use protection  
  
T:Lorelai. I love Rory with all my heart. I will never hurt her. I don't want her to be part of the elite and I don't want to sleep with her. I mean I do but it's gonna be up to Rory. I'm here to stay and whatever happens I will be by her side  
  
R:Mom did you talk with Tristan enough? Is he ok?  
  
L:I like him. You've my approval. I'm going to Luke for a coffee. See you soon Tristan  
  
T:Bye Lorelai  
  
+++ On the couch +++  
  
R:So Tristan, I know it's funny but I really know so little about you. I know I don't like your player attitude. I know I like our banters and the poems you wrote me in the letters. Do you want to talk about you?  
  
T:Well Rory I don't know a lot about you too and I'll be happy to know you better  
  
We stayed there talking until night. It feels so good to open up to a person who really cares about you. I wish everybody could find the ONE. I know that Rory is the other half of me.  
  
I don't know if we will be always so happy with each other. But I'm willing to risk. I'm willing to try to have a beautiful and happy life with this wonderful girl that is Rory Gilmore.  
  
I just want to believe that even when we will have problems we will be able to talk about them and to solve them. And before going home Rory gave me this poem and told me that tomorrow was going to be a beautiful day because she had me in her life.  
  
I feel so lucky I met her and I want to share this poem with you.  
  
What I've Learned In Life  
  
I've learned that no matter how good a person is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.  
  
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.  
  
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.  
  
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.  
  
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.  
  
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life.  
  
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.  
  
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for ourselves.  
  
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.  
  
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want her to doesn't mean she doesn't love you with all she has.  
  
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by someone else. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.*  
AN: * this poem is anonymous. I don't own it but I just thought that I like to end my story with it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and gave me support through the writing of my first fan fiction. I want to thank Gina to be always there for me when I need her. I want to thank my mother for believing in me. I want to dedicate this fiction to Tristan. My dream guy, the guy who is perfect because he just exists in my mind. Still even if he's not real I love him for all the emotions he makes me feel. 


End file.
